No, don’t delete the bookmark, (wait you booked marked this?), don’t delete the feed (what you really did subscribe to this thing?). This site isn’t going away, the title has to do with what is going on in my life. I am preparing to move. I am in the long process of moving. If you are a long time reader (if there is such a person), you might recall that I moved from Oregon to Ohio in August of 2006. Since then I have moved a few times within the state of Ohio. Well now, just weeks shy of 4 years I am about to move from Ohio to Oregon. But this move is unlike any I have taken before…
Technically I have lived in everyplace I have ever been, at least to my knowledge, but for the sake of this posts I’ll limit it the discussion to dwelling places which I may have called home, received mail at, I will exclude hospitals, places I visited, drove through, walked through, spent a night or two at, camps, DR Congo… etc. Since I was born I have lived in the following States: Oregon, Illinois, Iowa, Wyoming, Washington, and Ohio. Within these states I have lived within at least 12 cities, since I was 2.5 I can recall living in at least 21 buildings, some of which I moved from and then moved back to, in at least three of these buildings I lived in, I also lived in different dwelling spaces, (apartments/dorm rooms etc…), within them. Before I was 2.5 I know I lived in a few other places as well. I am fairly certain I will move many more times in my future, and I am at peace with that thought, and would be sad if it was not so.
But this move is different. Once again with this move I find myself moving to a place I have been before, a part of the world that is home for me, a place filled with wonderful nature that is healing, but a place where I know I am not suppose to spend much time. While this rests upon me, I know that space of healing is part of the motivation behind the move. What is most different though is the sense of sadness that falls upon me as I start this move. I don’t quite recall feeling this way at other times, even though I have often moved away from friends and family who meant much to me (and still do mean much) this time it just feels different.
Perhaps it is the length of my goodbye, sharing it with a few close friends about 6 or 8 weeks before the departure and then slowly expanding the circle, longer than most, much shorter than that of College. Much shorter than when I fell ill while living in Seattle, for I became ill many came around me, supported me, and I thought I wouldn’t leave and then things took a turn for the worse and I was gone without really saying goodbye in person to anyone. So I never had the long, surprise goodbye…
This time however, it comes quickly, and for some, including myself as a surprise. As I say good, my heart twinges with sadness, I see people who I have come to know well, dear friends, church goers, co workers who have become friends and mean more to me than I realized, co workers who perhaps are not to be titled “friend” but yet still mean much to me and more… Perhaps it is the sense that I am disappointing some of them as I step down from roles, duties, that they have come to expect from me. Perhaps it is because, they mean more to me than I came to realize before, and I wish they could come with me. Perhaps it is hard for me to deal with people expressing how they will miss me, and what I do for them and for the communities in which we share in common.
When I hear them express the tears that came upon hearing, the loss they see or feel, when I see the sadness in their eyes, it becomes hard. When I think of the good times, and as I wonder about missed opportunities of past and potential of the future if I stayed, I find sadness ring through my heart and soul. When I think of two brothers, the sons of friends of mine, the joy, wonder, and excitement they bring to life, I know I will miss them for they and their parents are like family to me, I don’t want to have to say good bye… though in saying goodbye to them I will go and get a chance to know two girls each about 6 moths older than them, who are family to me, nieces I barely know along with their older brother and sister and also my Sister, their mother. But the thing is you can’t trade one for the other, I will miss this family that is a part of my family, even if not by blood. I will miss my dear friend, whoi I spent many a night talk with, watching movies with, eating with, reflecting with. I will miss several of my co-works, who as I said, I have come to realize over the past couple of weeks mean much more to me, and are more a part of my life than I had thought.
I’m leaving a place filled with friends, and near friends, and coworkers I like to work with (and some who may quickly fade from active memory), and church family to go to a place filled with family and church family, but few friends, that is few friends who know me, few friends who have any idea of the past few years of my life, of who I am, of who I dream to be. I hope new friends will form, I am sure they will…
But still I am surprised by the long sad goodbye that fills me, and realized when one coworker said to me today that she heard I was leaving (she heard on the first day anyone at work knew, but I guess this was our first time talking about non work since), and asked if I might in the future be out this way again, and I said it was possible… And she said if I do, to make sure I stop in and say hello, I hope I do, at least to visit, as I continue my journey and the moves that are before me. Or as others expressed I would be welcomed back here, or where they see themselves transition to in the future, or seeking the grasp of a friendly hug of farewell, or offering a wonderful smile, mixed with sadden eyes. I ponder the words of the parishioners who expressed the loss they felt personally, congregationally, communally for my departure, and hope especially for the ones who expressed it in terms of their personal loss ministerial wise, that they find a pastoral minister who will be able to listen and be present for them, and not blind to the struggles of those who feel left out of the cliques that exists within that community… and what their needs are that are not being addressed, or are overridden because “that’s how we always have done it” or “we don’t see the problem, and so it must not be one…”
I am surprised how many of the people out here, people I have know or just a couple of months, a year, three or four, or in the case of some 10, (I think that is the longest I have known anyone out here, but I could be wrong), I know I will miss greatly. I am also surprised there is a sense of loss from leaving a part of the country filled with people I went to seminary with, knowing I have not physically seen many of them since graduating, and yet still it feels a goodbye to them as well.
Perhaps a part of the sadness is I leave a place I know, people I care about, for a place I once knew, people I care about, but without full understanding of why, or for what purpose, or for how long, or where next, or when will be the next… it is just an empty unknown, mixed with hints of future possibilities, twinged with sadness homing I am leaving at the right time, and not the wrong time, hoping the time doesn’t keep me from meeting her, or if already met realizing she is her… or preventing blocking, delaying ministry that is needed in particular places…
My heart aches, by body weeps, at yet they long for the healing breath of the Spirit found within the rain forests, coasts, and volcanoes to which I go. I hope this time of healing, and reflection will lead me toward greater embrace and understanding of the path I walk on as I journey through life and seek to minister to all of the Holy’s creation as I am called to do… Respecting each life journey, and each one’s understandings of the holy be they similar or vastly different from my own, and aiding them all in and where they are to experience a peace, a hope, a love, and a worth that I understand and express through my Christian faith and they may define and understand in very different ways of faith or life being. Yet, also with open hand and arm, share for those who are seeking a spiritual home the peace of Christ and invite them into sacred community formed in the name of the One who suffered on behalf of all…(Doctrine and Covenants 161:3a)…
Peace be with you all,
— Lyle II