As I start to write this post, I wonder if I should stop and wait until later. Should I wait until I am rested, awake… But as you may be able to tell I have chosen not to wait, for perhaps writing while drowsy will add to the mix of thoughts upon my mind and somehow bring better clarity to myself and perhaps you. Okay it was a thought, and sometimes we have to go with them even if they are unrealistic.
Last night I was unable to get to sleep, and once I did I woke often, and then I had to rise to go and prepare for a priesthood meeting. While at the time I felt awake, it would be for a bit of time. By the time the meeting was over, and the worship service was over I was zapped. between the meds I was taking, the limited and poor sleep, and the medical issues the meds were for and the drain that was having from that as the meds were not helping much, I was drowsy. I perhaps didn’t realize how much so until I sat down in the car to drive home.
I started the car and I drove home, I could tell my senses were not what they should have been to be behind the wheel, but I need to get home to rest. As I drove I wished my life was at that point in time where I had found her… but not for the normal reasons of desiring life long companionship, a sense of being more whole in and through relationship… but just so I might safely get home without endangering myself or others. For if I had found her, or more likely she had found me, and we were together, she could be the one behind the wheel rather than I. Perhaps then I would have remembered taking my second exit, (from one freeway to the next) and be ready for the third (leaving the freeway system) before I was upon the third and going “when did the change the sign?” thinking I was at the second and the realizing I had already taken that exit and now was at the point where I would exit the freeway system. Driving drowsy is not safe, and you also miss things. I shouldn’t have been driving, I should have either taken a nap in the car, or gotten someone to drive me home or… but I didn’t, I risked it, I risked the welfare of others to reach my goal. It wasn’t the brightest act I have ever made, I fairly sure it wasn’t the first time I have driven while not fully alert, and while I would like to say it is the last time, I have a feeling I will at some point make the mistake again.
The thing is, this encounter relates a lot to life, and to our discipleship. (For those of us who are disciples… if your reading this and are not a disciple, be it of Christ or of someone/thing else, perhaps some of the basics can still relate to your faith/spiritual path and life). Within Christianity we make a commitment at some point (or points) to embrace and follow Christ, to become disciples. Then we move forward in life, but I think we often fail to live up to the commitment that we made in our act(s) of becoming disciples of the risen, living, Christ. We step onto the path of the Discipleship while drowsy, and not fully aware.
We go through the days without being fully aware of what is going on, of why we do what we do. We go to church, or don’t, but we often don’t pause and think about what is around us, we do things out of habit, and perhaps without even realizing it, just as I made the exit, without recalling making it. We feel called to help all those in need, but we walk by the person sleeping on the sidewalk, and perhaps offer a quick prayer, think “oh that is sad”, but don’t take the time to think “why is he there,” we don’t take the time to engage in the needed process to make long lasting changes so there is no need for her or anyone to be sleeping without adequate shelter. We see the hungry, we hear of the hungry, but we work to just address the immediate need, and not to work toward addressing the larger picture and making sustainable changes to how we do things, individually and as a society to create sustainable changes so no one goes hungry and ensuring that the worth and dignity of each person is honored and recognized. We go to church and see a national flag in the worship space, in a fellowship hall, outside…, and don’t stop to think “should it be there?” What does it convey to me, to others… what does it say about us by where it is placed, about our relationship with our sisters and brothers in Christ of other lands, or of the land that that Government took over, or… about our priorities. We choose to use disposable products that can’t be recycled, or that can and we choose not to… without thinking through the actions. We hear the preacher call us to embrace our discipleship, to proclaim the peace of Christ, and the next time we hear a prayer, say a prayer, think about Christ is a week later when we are sitting in the same pew. Not taking the time to be an intentional reflection of Christ’s peace, of God’s Love… to those around us. Not taking time to see that person cry in the back row as communion is served, and offer a prayer for her and her struggles, not taking time to see how she is doing, when she walks out of the sanctuary at the end of the service. We miss a week or to, and no one calls, no one checks on us, and we complain, without thinking of how many others have missed a week or two and we never called, we never visted, or even noticed they were not amongst us. We go to church and don’t greet a person seeking a new home, thinking someone else has, and never learning he went home feeling alone, unwelcome, unloved and never finds the peace they might have found if we had just taken the time to wake up, to see, to care.
We go through our discipleship drowsy, we miss a lot of opportunities to care… like driving drowsy we can harm others, like driving drowsy we can harm ourselves as well. We can forget to be refilled, we can forget to fully engage, to make the correct turns, to be healed…. We set our eye beyond the horizon at the goal of the peaceable community, but forget to look around, to engage and bring that community into being.
So the question on my mind now is: How do we wake up, reenergize, become alert and aware in our discipleship? Are we willing? What would happen if we were to all stopped being drowsy and became alert?
Unlike driving drowsy, where one should not drive until rested, with discipleship we must keep being disciples, but we need to be intentional, we need to ensure we are getting fed and rested as well as serving… We do need to “stop” but stop to: pause, reflect and engage, which is part of being a disciple. It is the stopping of the busy distractions, so we can hear the still small voice, the stopping of going through the motions and not being aware, the stopping of not fully caring….
It’ll be tough, but I think the Holy is calling us to be awake, to be alert and be faithful, dedicated disciples who truly seek to live out the message and passion of Christ with the wholeness of our beings. We are going to stumble lots, but lets keep getting back up, lets keep waking up, and seek to be the people we are called to be.
Peace,
Lyle II
— Lyle II