Life is a wonder and a mystery. The swirling swarms of up and down, leave me with unknown expressions. Words come not to mind to describe it all, but yet at times I must seek to do just that.
I started this post to write about and reflect upon how the amazing procrastinator, somehow ended up turning in three papers in before they were due. Yet when I went to write, instead came words referring to that which is going on within me, and thus that is what I must write about.
Wednesday Morning at about 1:30am I jumped in rejoicement recognizing and embracing that i was now finished. I could hardly sit in class, I just wanted to be on the road and back in Kirtland. Then in my last class of the term, sitting there as the group talked of apartheid, my strength and joy was zapped. Pain and sorrow flooded through me. On the drive home, several times I found myself about to doze off, my energy just drained, the lack of sleep and rest for several days now hitting me. Thoughts drifted to those who lay upon my heart and prayers lifted up to them.
At the Spirituality Group, my mind was many places, thinking and reflecting, but often found myself, seeking to be elsewhere, and my prayers of concern for another lifted up even higher, worried for a friend who’s struggles I know not for sure and which I wonder if perhaps are kept from me in that the friend knows my own and seeks not to add to that mix, or maybe because that is how I am I think perhaps the same for the friend. Then realizing it was not just one person upon my heart but a few, and wondering and pondering about it as well.
I need to sit and think, sit and pray. I need to find that focus that is needed. I need to find how best to share the Peace of Christ and live out my calling, whatever that might be. I wonder where that joy I seek, that joy I had, has gone. Then I reflect upon the flow of worship, which reflect the flow of life and wonder: Perhaps I am in movement two, contemplation and renewal. Confessing what is upon my soul, reflecting on the pain around me, and needing to turn to and engage the living Word so that I may step forward and embrace my calling more fully, be rededicated to the sharing of the Peace.
Perhaps it is also that intermixing understanding of call, feeling called, reminded again and again “be patient” yet finding it so hard to do at times. So I sit in a void knowing there is something to be and something I was but not sure what it is I am in but that the was has somewhat been but somewhat is and the to be is somewhat now and somewhat yet to be. Unsure of future income, for surely someday the government wants the loans paid upon.
I love to share the sacred story, but right now I want to just go and sit, perhaps even weep, rather than share that story.
Peace be with you
— Lyle II
October 28th, 2008 @ 8:01 pm
Good post.