The time is near,
It is almost here,
I am almost gone,
I am almost there,
It is almost past,
The time is near.
In my brief lifetime of just shy of 25 trips around the Sun I have experienced many things. I have grown from a little baby with orange curly locks of hair into this young (am I still young? I hope I am) man who writes these words of reflection.
The past couple of days I have looking over my final reflection paper for “Pastoral Helping Skills,” back in autumn 2004. As I look over “Reflection of Journey” I think I have gained some insight into my feelings of late.
I feel that I should be excited. I am fairly confident that I have made the correct choice for this moment in my life journey. I am going to new places, about to meet new people and face new challenges. In truth, I am excited, at least in part. However I am also “blah” or maybe sadden or slightly depressed. I’m not sure how to express it. Maybe it is fear of the unknown? Or anxiety? I don’t think any of these words truly express it, but maybe they come close.
So I am in a period of mixed emotion. I know that I will miss the Northwest, but I have known for at least six years that the Northwest is not where I am to be. I know I will miss my family, both that of relation, and that not of relation, who have stood by me and supported me over the years. Those who love me and whom I love back. Those who give me cheer, and those who maybe I give cheer to. I know that I need to move, need to embrace my call. A call that scares me, for I feel “unworthy” or maybe a better word is “unable.” A call that will force me to step out, a call to allow others to know me, and for me to know myself. A call that will force me from my comfort zone, and to truly grow. My education is a part of this call, that I know, but there is so much more, and it is that more that scares me. Not in a bad way, but in a sense of uncertainty, of how can I embrace it, for I am not able… yet I know I am not alone, the Spirit is always there, and I know this call whatever it is would not be resonating in so many ways if I was truly unable.
I think my greatest fear is that I will fall once more into “burn out. . . as I refuse to take the needed rest and recharging” and that I will not strike that balance which is needed in a life of service to other. By the time of this course, I had slowly started toward that balance, but still had a hard time letting other in to aid me on my journey. It was great illness that brought me to allow others to care for me, at least for a time. I am growing and I am getting closer to that which I am called to be, and yet I fear could slip back and not take hat rest, not allow others to provide ministry to me, and thus once more fall fully out of balance. I think this fear is primarily as I do not have relationships with anyone where I will be, I know no one, and thus the potential of not allowing others to aid me on my journey is greater, than if I had relationships with people already. I think however, that since I do know people not far away, and also with modern communication making those far semi-close in a sense, that I will be able to stay closer toward that needed balance.
So here I am a happy and a sad man all at once, and so many other emotions flowing to me, leaving me in a “blah” natural state of sorts, with little spikes and dips as one emotion pops a bit higher, or a bit lower than the others.
Onward to new adventures, to growth, to learning, to new friends and family I go.
Peace be with you,
— Lyle II