Our “life” is an interesting thing. Typically we are conceived, born, grow and learn, sometimes shrink and forget, and then we pass on. Some though pass on before attempting various other parts of the pattern of life.
During our life we do various things, some people more than others. We encounter people, travel to places, seek relationship with the Eternal One, seek relationships with other humans and with other parts of creation. Some come to a point in which they are satisfied, and others never find that place of peace with themselves, creation, and the One who Creates.
As I write on this new day, I am unsure what all I am trying to say and do. My life at present is not at all what I thought it would be by now. After graduating from Graceland over two years ago, I had planed on working toward an M.Div. Depending on the program by now I should be 1/2 to 2/3 through the program and that goal. Instead I am now where near that.
I started school in the fall of 2003, I quit the program and school I was attending at the time the day after I returned from World Conference 2004. I spent a summer as a Spiritual Formation Fellow in Kirtland OH, and then started all over again at a new school, transferring nothing, in Fall 2004. In the end of 2004 an the start of 2005 I was starting to have problems. All of the things going on with me I attributed with stress, and then came the realization of it being more. Over the past 7 months or so going through an interesting time with my three hospitalizations, and receiving at least 27 units of blood, and emergency surgery. Throughout this time I came extremely close to passing on to what lies beyond. And yet in those times when I was closest to the end of my “life” when my body had barely enough red blood cells to function, I was at peace. During those times I was able to reflect and gain new insights. My thoughts and prayers were almost always toward others, and seeking comfort for them as I struggled through the mysteries of my body.
Now it has been almost two months since my surgery and I am finally feeling better and regaining some strength and a lot of colour back. Almost everyday I look in the mirror to ensure that there is some pink in my face and that my lips are not blueish purple. But, rather than being at school in my own apartment, I am now back at my parents place doing not a whole lot.
I am unsure what I will do during this year of recovery that I must take. I know that I can’t push myself two hard, but I must do something, I must respond to my call to serve others and to serve the One who creates. I need to speak to the pastors of my various home congregations in this area and let them know that, though at the moment I am slightly limited do to transportation limitations and lower than normal energy levels that I am willing to serve with the congregations as much as I possibly can during my time of recovery.
This weekend I am hopeful that my energy levels will be high enough to make it all the way through the GPNW Mission Center Conference. Last week I still had some energy after going to church at TCC rather than being dead tired like three weeks ago. (Two weeks ago I went to Salem, only 15 minutes away, so a much shorter day than a TCC day), But that was only about a 4 hour day, two of which was in the car traveling to and from. MC Conference is about an hour away in Portland, and including registrations, two meal breaks is about 11 hours, to make a 13 hour day. Followed on Sunday with another 2 1/2 hours or so and another two hours in the car (and a bit more if we stop for Lunch on the way home). So who knows if I’ll make it, but I am going to try, especially as I am a delegate.
I know this post has rambled on a bit, but there are a few things on my mind I still want to write about, so please stay with me if you can.
I am unfocused of late. I sit around not doing much. I love to read, but am unable to stay focused on a book and thus am unable to read more than, a couple of pages at a time, and even then sometimes that is pushing it. So, I instead don’t. My dad’s van needs a new transmission, so we are down to just my mom’s car. Which severely limits my ability to get out of the house to do anything… plus the things I want to do I can’t. For instance I want to go to Silver Falls, but I know there is no way I can do the trails right now.
I have also been feeling extremely lonely. It really started to sit in after going back to World Conference in June and seeing various friends from University. Out here I don’t have a whole lot of contact with people near my age, and though I have always had older friends there is times when one wants to have someone near their age to spend time with, to share with, to do things with. Loneliness has even set in more as of late.
Ammon and Lorie moved to Salem to get their Masters in education. Seeing them together when they came and visited me in the Hospital and then two weeks ago at church has caused even more loneliness.. As I wish for, and want to have my own family, to get married and share my life with that woman whom I am meant to be with who ever she will be.
I look at my own parents and realize this even more. My dad was about 3 months shy of twenty-three, and my mom was a little more than 24 and 4 months when they wed in 1978. I just turned 24 on the 19th, and I realized that on February 24, 2005 I will be the exact same age as my mother was when she married my dad… and I have had only a handful of dates in my life… It makes me feel old and alone…
There’s more I want to say but I can’t think of the words…. and as I have been writing for an hour or so and it is 1 in the morning I am going to close here and then send this post out into the wild.
Peace be with one and all,
— Lyle II